Baby Steps

~September 2017~

     Throughout the 7 day Oregon Eclipse festival I focused every second on my personal growth. I had this gnawing fear in the back of my mind that was reminding me of what I had to go back to if I didn’t make something happen. I would not go back. I walked that dirt with 30,000 people for 7 days and in that time I met the one person that changed my life for the better. That man was Bobby Camozzi. Bobby  lives in California and all his life worked on the dairy farm owned and ran by his father. As he became more awake over the years he wanted nothing to do with the dairy farm and the commercialized harvesting and butchering. So, he convinced his father to allow him a piece of land to start a garden. His father did and so he did. He grew everything he could think of from onions to tomatoes and pumpkins and corns and about 80 different types of cucumbers. I think he really likes cucumbers. When I met him it was his 2nd year and he was coming around harvest time. After we had met we began talking about his farm and he expressed his concern that he had no idea what to do with all this food and that he didn’t want it to just be wasted. I proffered the idea loosely of us just harvesting all the food and giving it away. Then we went our separate ways. The next, and last time, that I saw him in Oregon he told me that we are going to do what I had suggested. I was surprised then said ok. And we did it. With less than an hour of interaction time in real life and telephone I was packed up, said my goodbyes, and was driving on the way to California to someone I barely knew and a place I had never been with a Ford truck that was ticking like Captain Hook’s crocodile. I simply trusted. I trusted that everything would be ok. I trusted that I would be provided for. I trusted that I would get to where I’m supposed to be, even if that’s not where I am going. And I did. I arrived, it was beautiful, I was speechless, I was happy, I was motivated…creating…dancing…singing. Everything. It was perfect. We had our food from the garden, our house on the dairy, and enough money to take care of us while we did what we felt was necessary. We had projects for days.. to make this and make that and get this done for this. I was so excited!

       But it never happened.We harvested the vegetables and gave them away. It felt good but relatively useless. We decided we probably should’ve cooked the vegetables into something cause what are the homeless going to do with a box of raw vegetables? It was not a perfect system, or even a good one. Instead of improving on it, we kinda just stopped doing it. I began to feel as if I was mooching because I had nothing to do,..nothing to contribute. Every project that we had would have something stopping it…some limit that was definitely very real…but we couldn’t do anything. They wanted me to go look for work trimming weed because thats what I came up to do. But I didn’t know where to start and they didn’t either. As time went on I could feel my energy growing darker every day and more reclusive. They could feel it too. It was almost disgusting I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started drinking again, alone, in my room, watching useless movies. Growth had stopped. Stagnance had returned. Depression began creeping its way back into my soul in a place I never thought possible. I had come to paradise…how is this happening? I kept trusting…kept going.

       Then…I got a phone call. It was 3 AM. Joshua Wolan was calling me telling me to come outside my apartment in Idaho and give him a hug and that he’s coming to Decompression, a small festival in the mountains of Idaho. He lives in Vegas, so it was unexpected for him to be there and unexpected for me to not be. I laughed and told him that I moved to California and wont be able to make it. So, he bought me a plane ticket. And I went. The energy was still bad and I knew if I left and moved I would be able to generate new opportunities. I realized I had no job, no bills…but i still knew what tomorrow was. And it was the same as yesterday. Shit. I did it again. So, I’m still doing something wrong…

       So I went to Decomp. Bobby asked me why…I couldn’t really answer. I have a hard time explaining why I do things because I can feel it and I understand that I cant see everything thats happening objectively all the time at every second. With that understanding I have decided to place my belief in the fact that a feeling is a compilation of the entire universe coming together into a single point that is you and thus my feeling must be the interpretation of the entire universe at this moment and so instead of using my brain to figure out all the reasons why I just trust that the feeling has already figured that out and that’s why I feel I must go here, or see this person, or leave now. You should listen to your feelings. If we were humble enough to call ourselves animals we would call them instincts.

       I went to Decomp with a different type of energy about me. I felt so powerful and free from everything it was beautiful, really inexplicable. I met Michael again who I had met 2 years ago by just walking by him and asking if he would tell me his life story. He said yes, we sat down, and he told me that he washes windows and that he doesn’t feel that he is going to be doing that much longer.  2 years later I see him. I remember his name and his story. And he remembers me. Our brotherhood obtained an interesting bond that day. We became as tribe in that day. I went home from Decomp and the fires had just hit Santa Rosa that were tearing through California in October of 2017. On my way back I decided that I am going to get work helping with cleaning up after the fires. The next day I walked in to the temp agency and they asked “Are you here to help with the fires?” and I said “Yep.”

       I started work the next day. I knew it was a step backward but it felt good to have something to do and also not watch my money slowly dwindle down day by day. The 2nd day of work I came home and saw Bobby sitting at the table. I could see it in his eyes…he was going to ask me to leave. My heart fell. I felt anger rising because it was just so unfair! I finally had something that would allow me to get just that much ahead to break free and he was taking it away from me! That was my first thought. Experience has taught me that bad situations are going to happen…they will. It speaks volumes to your character how you handle yourself in the bad times. It is truly who you are. A coward or a bully or a clear headed problem solver. It’s easier said than done, I know. Mindfulness plays a huge role in controlling your actions when your thoughts and emotions are clashing. I clawed within myself to calm down and assess the situation from a problem solving standpoint. I knew why he wanted me to leave. He was right. I was going backwards. Ya i could stay and make money but what’s the point? I agreed. We talked for hours. What to do, where to go, how to do it bla bla bla. He gave me 2 more weeks as we settled on the idea of a van. But as time was going on the money was just not making it to where I needed it to be. I was running out of time…

       Then, I got a phone call. It was Michael from Decomp. He asked me “Are you still looking for trim work?” I said “Yes.” He said “When can you come?” I said “Now.” He told me there’s no need to rush and to take my time but he knew I was ready. He sent me the address. I left the next day.

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