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Why?

As I was going through my files, searching for my birth certificate (found!! :D) I found this piece that I wrote about my “why” or my purpose if you will. So I thought I’d share:

Why?

My why is because I am tired.
I am so sick and tired of doing the things I don’t want to do. Please don’t mistake this for laziness. I will do one million things I don’t want to do to get one million and one things that I want. But I am tired of trading my time, my days, my years …to survive. I want to be able to travel the world. Yes, aimlessly. But with the message of love. To change the hate and depression that is so rampant in this world. I love you. Yes, you. It is important to love and a 9-5 job that never gets me anywhere plants a deep seed of detest in my soul. I detest being told where to be and when to be there. I have my own heart, my own mind, and my own message of which to speak. If you tell me to be there …and I am there …then that is my decision, of my own accord. I am a limitless entity. I grow tired of having my fire extinguished by entities that want to use me for my time. I want something to call mine, my own. I own it. I made that. It would not be there if it weren’t for me. Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of working endlessly to die as something that will only be missed for a minute and the rain of the next day will wash away the small footprint that was left. I wish to leave a crater. Break away and break down the negativity to build up something enormous. Something that builds people up. I want someone else to look at it and say “I can do it!” Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of feeling myself getting older, but not any better. I am tired of working harder, yet not any richer. I am tired of being looked at as someone who can’t, who is barely holding themselves together. I am tired of being tired. I want to have the energy it requires to build a machine. I want to live a life people are envious of so they can ask me “How?” and I can show them how. Why? Because I am tired. I am done being tired. Why live a life not shooting for the stars? If you can see it, you should shoot for it. I am tired of robbing myself and the world of my potential. I have the heart and I have the tools and it is time to put them to work. It starts today. Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of being nothing. Don’t ever let someone tell you “You’re doing well!” when you know that you can do better. Don’t ever let someone tell you they’re proud and don’t be so hard on yourself when you know that you must be harder. 

There’s a better life to live out there…and it’s just around the corner.

I’m on the brink

I just want to get fucking high. Look, I’m just tired, that’s all. I’m tired of waking up every morning and for every second of my day I’m beating endlessly against this seemingly impenetrable fortress of ignorance that all of society appears so intent on hunkering down within.

And I’m angry. I’m angry that no matter which way I turn there is corruption, greed, and self-serving behavior filtered through every fiber of society from the very top to the very bottom. I’m not trying to be Noble. I just want to enjoy life and do it in a way where there’s no fucked up shit going on in the background. 

I’m angry that people treat investing like going to the grocery store where they’re just looking for the best deal for them and don’t know and certainly don’t seem to care how these corporations are manufacturing their products. Like Apple having claims of child labour and here’s another article…including Samsung and Sony. In this article it states that “Apple is not directly responsible” but that’s the point isn’t it? We aren’t ‘directly’ responsible as the consumer but purchasing the product is still fueling the demand which fuels the practice. So these companies are now running “rigorous audits” to ensure their raw materials aren’t getting sourced by underage labor – after getting caught for it. *initiate slow clap* And it’s not a surprise that these companies aren’t bothering to ask where the materials come from to make their devices. Why? Because the consumers don’t ask. 

I’m angry that people are consuming cane sugar and are ignorant to the fact that children are working on sugar farms in mostly life-threatening hazardous conditions for $3.50 a day. Our drinking of Coca-Cola is supporting this. Coca-Cola is the largest purchaser of sugar in the world – yes, yes they are putting money towards removing children from the fields and putting them in school. But these companies aren’t taking the effort towards finding out where their products are coming from proactively and its because WE are not taking the effort as the consumer to find out where these products are coming from. If we did, they would. Because someone went out and found out and reported it and now people care. Now companies are doing something about it. But if we just keep consuming these things and remaining ignorant on an individual level eventually the corporations – who mirror our actions – will also forget about it. And then chop chop chop away goes the child at the sugar cane. Here’s another article. 

I’m angry that we still use plastic bags in grocery stores in the U.S and Australia has reduced their plastic bag usage by 80%. I’m angry that it took so long for a hemp bill to get approved and now we can finally start working towards making packaging out of hemp instead of plastic. Did you know plastic is a byproduct of oil? On a sidenote about oil – The U.K has announced that by 2040 diesel and petrol will be BANNED. Ya. What are we doing over here again?

I hear people in India talking about the trash problem and completely missing the point. They say “Lets start a program to pickup the trash in India!” and then what? Put it in a big pile somewhere like we do in the U.S? We should be ABLE to throw our trash on the ground because everything we make comes from the earth so we should be able to return it to the earth. But being the genius little humans that we are we’ve managed to create products that don’t biodegrade for 450-1000 years and takes 1.5 million barrels of oil a year to produce our water bottles – just our water bottles – not to mention whats burned to transport them. Mom and Dad – please look at this one. Another source claims it takes 17 million barrels of oil. Whatever. Either way – it’s a lot.  I’m not gonna even get into the fact that of how it takes 3 times the amount of water to make the bottled water. 

Do you guys get it? 

We need to wake up. 

…don’t go back to sleep…

People are going back and forth 
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch

…don’t go back to sleep…

Dearest friends..

Bee and I have just come from our 10 day Vipassana course in British Colombia. I am sitting here in a state of wonder, amazement, gratitude, and clarity. I sat for 10 days, all day, and engaged in a deep, deep surgical operation of the mind. I experienced pain, bliss, love, hate, anger, hostility, arousal, incessant persperation, craving, aversion, compassion, peace and truth. I worked through deep complexes that I didn’t realize were there, things I was covering up with surface level distractions like cigarettes and marijuana or other sensual pleasures.

To be in an environment with 20 other men and 20 women (segregated to reduce distraction and allow the individual to work) and we were required to have no communication with fellow students and minimal unless absolutely necessary interaction with management. What does this mean?

You are alone.
And alone you stay for 10 days. No words, no gestures, no physical contact, no eye contact. No communication. And I worked. And I worked. I worked continuously from 4:30 in the morning to 9 o clock at night. For 10 days I went through a roller coaster of wanting to run away, of breaking down and crying off in the forest where my tears wouldn’t disturb others trying to work, and a deep well of gratitude and joy as I broke down barriers of my consciousness and worked through and processed traumatic violent events and sexually traumatic events from my past.

I can say that I am healed but this is more true in an even less esoteric sense than you might think. I have found my way for myself. I no longer drink, although that has been for 3 months strong. I also no longer smoke tobacco or marijuana and take no intoxicants. I full of clarity. I do this for myself. Bee, my Love, has wanted me to do this for 9 months, although she never said so. She always gave me ample space, ample love, ample compassion to be able to be me and go through my own evolution. And I knew she needed it of me but I could not do it for her. I had to do it for myself. And for that I had to experience myself, learn myself, love myself.

To return to the statement of healing being more tangible than this mental and spiritual evolution I would like to explain how the technique of Vipassana meditation has healed me on a physical level. 3 years ago I injured my knee doing a full lotus position and ever since then I could not sit in meditation for longer than 20 minutes without the pain being so intense it was like that of a fire burning incessantly on and through my knee. I was always worried about causing more damage…more pain…more problems. Fear directed the course of my meditation and because of this my meditation had become less consistent, less intentive and for all practical purposes…less effective. Through the technique of Vipassana I learned how to observe my pain and no longer identify with it. I disassociate myself with what I view as myself and watch the pain with the clear understanding of anicca [anee-cha], which means change, and that everything is impermanent.

All things rise, stay for some time, then pass away.

This law is true and resonates through the intricate fibers of the entire universe that binds us together into a manifestation of cells and biochemicals to create this body that I exist within, for a time. As I sat and the pain in my knee grew over the first 5 days of the course I learned a simple concept… Pain is pain. Nothing more. It is not my pain, your pain, our pain, his pain, her pain. It simply is.

I am not Michael, sitting here with a hurting knee experiencing pain.

I am only observing.

This is a body. And there is pain there in this body. And I am observing it. And as I observed and abstained from reaction I learned the truth of the law, experienced it for myself. All things rise, stay for some time, then pass away. I watched as layers after layers of physical pain rose and existed, grew and fell in intensity but ultimately…passed away. My meditations begin to lengthen in duration. On the 6th day I sat my first hour without moving a muscle and with perfect posture. I came out of that hour and broke down crying, silently, in a room full of 40 silent meditators and I hugged myself. I felt my own hand against my face as if it were a hand of a lovers and not my own and in this moment I truly felt love for myself for the first time. I have always said I love myself, I have always believed it. On this day I felt it. The 7th day I had 5 separate sessions of 1 hour sittings without movement. On the 8th day it grew to 1hr 20min and then 1 hr 45 minutes. On the 9th day it grew to 2hr 15 min. On the 10th day, when Noble Silence had been broken, on the day that everyone was regenerating and no longer seriously meditating I sat for 2 hours and 30 minutes. I broke deep into myself. I have grown immensely in such a true way that it can only be experienced to happen. My resolve is the strongest it has ever been. My determination is the purest it has ever been. My strength of my Self resonates through me in such powerful vibrations that I can feel the Earth beneath my feet malleably accept my presence as I walk the path.

A 10 day course in Vipassana I would highly recommend. There are things I can say, such as you’ve read within this post, in hopes to inspire you to take action yourself. But you must know that you MUST take action yourself. The truth of this universe can only be experienced by you, nobody can tell you what it is. I can only show you the path in which I walk. It is up to you to take the first step.

May you all experience real happiness, real joy, real peace.

 

Chicks and Hoes

What’s up guys! Hope everything is going sweelllll on your side of things. Just popping in to drop a line and update on the up and coming events of Michael. Woo! Adjusting to life in Canada on a farm has been a trek for sure. I have absolutely fallen in love with Bee’s family. They are so much fun! ahh you have no idea, but maybe you do! Perhaps I will get some pictures of the events and happenings of family gatherings because they are just so exciting. Haha!

Anyways, we have new life on the farm! 4 baby chicks (no new hoes though, that was just for fun) The little black one is sunshine and the one behind her i believe is Marble? Marble might be the one looking at you in the picture. And the one in the back with his head poked up (we think its a rooster) is Hope. Ah and whichever on is not Marble is Ducky! 😀 Hope was the first born and we were hoping for more 😉 So now we have baby chicks to take care of and they are just so cute. They just go meep meep chirp mee meep and eat and poop alot. You know, baby stuff.

Ive been working more on my meditations and focusing on myself quite a bit. The working on the farm I’ve still been doing tons but took a step back about one day a week to really focus in on my Self and get my sacred circle setup and get to work on my own progress. A story in itself to unfold! more details coming as the days do.

The farm work itself is nice. We are getting so much done and we just finished our garlic harvest. All the garlic hanging in the barn is just so beautiful. It really has a special type of energy. I’ll get you guys some photos of this too. It’s so feely. And it also makes you think of vampires when you see so much garlic hanging hahah. But ya, farms doing splendid. This saturday we go to market again and do some vegetable salespeople stuff. It should be fun and our weekend is paaacked but I’ll save pictures for that and use less words.

The opportunities opening up are big and small. On the small side I’m waiting for a response from a Vipassana organization about 4 hours away in Egbert (or Barrie…something or other) to go to. Ive been meaning to go into Vipassana but it’s taken awhile to manifest a space where I am secure in all ways and also able to take 10 days away. I had the opportunity 2 other times in the last year but did not take advantage but I am now full steam ahead. I, myself, am absolutely amazed at the increase in energy and motivation I have to do things and get out in the world and experience it. I canoed a canoe a week ago and that was so fun! Just wanted to pop that in there.

I suppose the big things include looking towards the future and what the winter holds for Bee and I. We are perusing different options in regards to regenerative farming and possibly regenerative agriculture but the intensive vegetable farming again…im not so keen on. We are more interested in the food forest aspect of land and so thats where our sights lie. On Sunday we have an interview with Jim and Fiona who are on a piece of land in Portugal in need of volunteers. They are growing 1 or 2 food forests on the property with regenerative agriculture and a minimalist mindset. I used to want to be a minimalist to work a job and see how much money I can save but I actually just feel much more whole using less than the amount that my western consumption oriented mind is used to using. I went from 20-50+gallons of water (American showers use about 2.1 gallons/min) for a shower to 1/4th of a 5 gallon bucket.  Pretty awesome.

Still playin guitar, still drawing pretty things, and we’re writing a book! I am so at peace but also so busy and I would like to find a better serving balance for that. I am trying to now allow myself to be so stimulated in the physical environment but I will admit it is difficult with so much going on. We will work together on this as I am sure everyone is seeking more balance in their lives ❤ Grant Cardone says “Fuck balance, I want to blow my life up!” …like blow it way up and be super successful and sell 100,000 houses instead of 10 in a year, things like this. But I feel like when you get to the place you feel you need to be you still will seek that balance. Blowing it up is fine if you’re not where you want to be and I’m not talking about Ferraris and mansions…just getting out there and living life. It can take a lot. But I can tell you… it takes more mindset than money.

Peace out  ✌☮

Time for change…for me or for them?

These last 3 weeks have been awesome but I’m not here to talk about all the fun little things I’m doing to keep myself entertained. Always busy busy busy and learning learning learning. What have I learned? Well. I do not want to be part of any intensive vegetable farming. It is actually very frustrating! It is amazing the food that is considered “defective” because it has a blemish on it when it is perfectly good to eat. It actually really eats at me. Sitting here and harvesting bushels and bushels of basil and throwing half of it out because it has brown spots, or chard thats not good enough because a bug ate a hole in it. It reminds me of the Spartan days when they threw out their “defective” babies into a pit due to blemishes and deformities.

Okay, okay, maybe a strong metaphor…but seriously do you realize how much food we’re wasting? You go into a store and every 5 tomatoes one is wasted, every bunch of basil…half is thrown out. Every potato another is composted. Fuck! There’s not much you can do about it either. And then the tilling is still happening because there are no programs to subsidize or assist farmers going into regenerative status, they are just left on their own to do it. The organizations that were meant to fund programs that feed farmers with regenerative resources, including the Canadian government, have debunked and dropped out and its just not happening. I dont even know whats going on in the US politics of agriculture. Did you know there are “organic approved chemicals”? From replantable.com “Organic means that the produce was grown according to USDA guidelines, which cover what kind of pesticides, herbicides, and farming practices can be used when growing organic produce.” And I know this is true because both American and now Canadian farmers have told me about it. I’ve seen it for myself and now you’re reading it. Didn’t you think organic meant pesticide free or am I the only idiot here? So even organic farms are spraying their crops. Awesome. So organic means whatever the USDA says it to mean (and same for the agriculture administrations of other countries) and that definition is apparently very fluid and appears to be whatever suits them best. Again….awesome. The base of the chemical is natural and not harmful to humans….at least the one thats used on this one farm in Canada that I’m on. Who know’s what else is “approved.” Organic dairy farms lobby politicians to get chemicals approved to give their cows because the cows wont be productive enough without it…so it gets approved. Nobody really knows whats going on but I guess thats what They want. Anyways…this spray chemical kills all the bugs and animals. the ladybugs, grasshoppers, the toads and spiders. Organic is not as ecologically friendly as one might think. And its sprayed to maybe kill one type of bug and then kills a thousand. Man, if people knew what they were paying for at the store they might start their own gardens. You go in and would just buy the 3$ box of blueberries instead of the 6$ box of blueberries because its cheaper but the 3$ box is 3$ because its farmed by slaves. We have our Mexicans in the US and probably others and Canada has people coming from Jamaica, Indonesia, the Dominican and Mexico as well. Its a fucked up system, man. These guys are working 16 hours a day for 6 months on a farm. If you could just taste what that feels like you’d feel a different type of way…and you feel like a slave at your job, right? Fuck. But I’m not here to tell you the “dont feel down on yourself because there are people worst off and you’re so lucky” speech….I’m just telling you what I know and what I’ve seen. So, anyways, you inherently start rallying and say “Let’s change it!” but the “slaves” that are coming to farm…they take the money back home to their families and would say they’re better off for it. So what are you really changing? Who are you really helping? Its a fucked up system man and they got you by the balls so I guess just buy the 3$ box of blueberries and buy a beer with it to drown the feelings. And if I had advice it would be this…just because you’re getting paid doesn’t mean you’re not a slave.

Im not sure what to do about all that but there it is. Im turning my focus more intently into regenerative farming and reforestation. There’s a unique opportunity in Mexico we are reaching out to as well as some other opportunities in Canada that are seeming very attractive. Food forest, anyone? 😉 We are going to reforest a piece of land and live from a personal garden and foraging as well. We also want to offer workshops for education on living for the land and have a huge focus on meditation and music and arts for the healing of people while healing the land.  We are not sure how to sustain ourselves financially through that time period while the Food Forest is growing but we know that it will come to us whatever it is. It is definitely something because we are talking about It. Get It? haha 😉 love you guys. I would apologize for the intensity but you know as well as I it’s not required.

Peace!

People kept saying I think too much

I kept believing they think too little. I keep writing my goals, my purpose and doggedly attack the information in front of me through books and hands on experience that I can attain through those around me. Coming to be with Bee and meeting her family has been a blessing and has skyrocketed me towards the person I am working on becoming in a monumental way. The welcoming, the support, the love that I feel here is so true and pure I could cry. Oh, and Bees dad, Jean, is a badass.

I arrived in Toronto where Bee picked me up and we went off to Ottawa and met her brother, Sam and his brothers girlfriend…Sam 😀 haha. Sam and sam. They get called Sam squared sometimes. Its quite awesome! for sake of confusion we call Sams girlfriend Sami 🙂 Also in Ottawa I met Bees friends Brett and Noel who are running a farm in Ottawa and have had some tough challenges this year. The biggest one being the fact that they are running a farm just the 2 of them that was setup to at least require 10 workers. So they are a bit swamped. We decided to stay in Ottawa an extra day to go to the farm and help them weed some carrots and it was definitely a good experience!

Here is a real cool experience. Are you ready?

Bee and I were walking down past the Parliament (our White House) along the river and as we were walking I turned to Bee and said “I have this feeling that Im going to see somebody I know right now….but no. that is impossible.” and in the way she does she answers “Ah it is not impossible. Impossible is impossible!” and i replied of course. of course 🙂 So we kept walking up to the top of the hill to a statue overlooking the river and I climbed up on the little scaffolding to see over it and right below me on a little grass hill sits a man. And he looks like Guilleme (Gee-ohm) and I am floored. The last time I saw Guilleme was in Hampi, India where we met and we went to the river and jammed together and drank some whiskey and on the way back we had the pleasure of seeing just the eye of the crocodile before he sunk beneath the pond. Fuck.

Anyways, I yell “Guilleme!” and he turns his head and stares at me and I see the incredulity in his eyes and he turns back around and I know hes thinking “there is no fucking way.” I am also thinking “there is no fucking way” and am still not convinced that it is Guilleme. Theres just no fucking way. And I crane my head to the left to see the item next to him, thinking its a guitar…and if it is…its him. and it was. “Guilleme!” I yell as I jump down in excitement and start moving towards him and he looks again. “Is that you Guilleme? No way.” and he says “The fuck, man, how the fuck…what the…how…why…what are you doing here man!?” and I just laugh and laugh and laugh and hug him so tightly and am nearly crying so happy to see this brother of mine. We talk and talk and I introduce Bee and Guilleme and I pick up his guitar and play and Bee and Guilleme talk and laugh and Im staring at the bridge and as I am staring at it I remember Guilleme and Mel and Josh telling me about this bridge and how they just cross this bridge to see each other. And they tell me this in India. What a fucking trip man. Theres nothing else like it, Im telling you. Fuck. To Guilleme!

Now I am at Bees Parents house (Jean and Josée) and they have been wonderful! I met Jeans parents as well and also Jons brother and we had a nice gathering last night and I just feel so part of the family it is unreal. Ah life has been quite a blessing. MMMM and the FOOD! God damn Bee is a good cook and it is all organic and vegan and yummy and scrumptious and mm mm mmmmm. Fuck, guys. It is only going to get better too. How? I never know how to answer that question although that seems to be the one always asked. Faith, my Brothers and Sisters, faith.

I Love You!

P.S we are now off to the River & Sky Festival to be in the bush for the next 4 days. River & Sky is an ecologically conscious festival with folk tunes and workshops for all sorts of things. Au Revoir!

off again, off again

Off again, off again…with the wind,  oh with the wind… with a grin, oh with a grin… off again… I’m off again…

I am off! Ah such a tumultous series of events these last 4 months being home in Boise! I am greatful for all those I was able to see ❤ I think it was worth it. I did some good things and focused on strengthening my bond with my family. I think it is definitely stronger but my family was definitely ready for me not be in the house anymore. Haha!

I cant blame them though I must say that I am very ready to be out of there as well. You don’t realize what its like to have no space to your own until it begins affecting! Anywho, as I sit here in the San Franscisco airport I am again finding my mind gears turning. It was as if everything sorta shut down and stopped when I got back home. In all honesty I went through a range of emotions from depression to ecstacy and it’s certainly been an adjustment. I am also learning that I don’t necessarily have any way to tell people how to be themselves haha. You know? I could be writing about travelling and going out and doing things but maybe thats not necessarily right for you. It’s entertaining to read still ;D

I plan to start implementing some video blogging into my blog so me and my darling Bee will be able to keep you guys all updated on the farm life! The people who own the land are talking with us about converting the farm from sustainabole (which it is currently moving towards) to regenerative which means the farms existence actually gives back and heals the land. How cool! Why are we not learning these things? So anyways I will be creating an instagram for Bee and I so that we can use it to keep a steady stream of information and education and the goal will be trying to take pieces of this regenerative farming and see how we can shrink down, make it easy and get people to start implementing into their lives, into their backyards.

Ah it will be sooo cool guys! stay tuned 🙂