As I was going through my files, searching for my birth certificate (found!! :D) I found this piece that I wrote about my “why” or my purpose if you will. So I thought I’d share:
My why is because I am tired.
I am so sick and tired of doing the things I don’t want to do. Please don’t mistake this for laziness. I will do one million things I don’t want to do to get one million and one things that I want. But I am tired of trading my time, my days, my years …to survive. I want to be able to travel the world. Yes, aimlessly. But with the message of love. To change the hate and depression that is so rampant in this world. I love you. Yes, you. It is important to love and a 9-5 job that never gets me anywhere plants a deep seed of detest in my soul. I detest being told where to be and when to be there. I have my own heart, my own mind, and my own message of which to speak. If you tell me to be there …and I am there …then that is my decision, of my own accord. I am a limitless entity. I grow tired of having my fire extinguished by entities that want to use me for my time. I want something to call mine, my own. I own it. I made that. It would not be there if it weren’t for me. Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of working endlessly to die as something that will only be missed for a minute and the rain of the next day will wash away the small footprint that was left. I wish to leave a crater. Break away and break down the negativity to build up something enormous. Something that builds people up. I want someone else to look at it and say “I can do it!” Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of feeling myself getting older, but not any better. I am tired of working harder, yet not any richer. I am tired of being looked at as someone who can’t, who is barely holding themselves together. I am tired of being tired. I want to have the energy it requires to build a machine. I want to live a life people are envious of so they can ask me “How?” and I can show them how. Why? Because I am tired. I am done being tired. Why live a life not shooting for the stars? If you can see it, you should shoot for it. I am tired of robbing myself and the world of my potential. I have the heart and I have the tools and it is time to put them to work. It starts today. Why? Because I am tired. I am tired of being nothing. Don’t ever let someone tell you “You’re doing well!” when you know that you can do better. Don’t ever let someone tell you they’re proud and don’t be so hard on yourself when you know that you must be harder.
There’s a better life to live out there…and it’s just around the corner.
I kept believing they think too little. I keep writing my goals, my purpose and doggedly attack the information in front of me through books and hands on experience that I can attain through those around me. Coming to be with Bee and meeting her family has been a blessing and has skyrocketed me towards the person I am working on becoming in a monumental way. The welcoming, the support, the love that I feel here is so true and pure I could cry. Oh, and Bees dad, Jean, is a badass.
I arrived in Toronto where Bee picked me up and we went off to Ottawa and met her brother, Sam and his brothers girlfriend…Sam 😀 haha. Sam and sam. They get called Sam squared sometimes. Its quite awesome! for sake of confusion we call Sams girlfriend Sami 🙂 Also in Ottawa I met Bees friends Brett and Noel who are running a farm in Ottawa and have had some tough challenges this year. The biggest one being the fact that they are running a farm just the 2 of them that was setup to at least require 10 workers. So they are a bit swamped. We decided to stay in Ottawa an extra day to go to the farm and help them weed some carrots and it was definitely a good experience!
Here is a real cool experience. Are you ready?
Bee and I were walking down past the Parliament (our White House) along the river and as we were walking I turned to Bee and said “I have this feeling that Im going to see somebody I know right now….but no. that is impossible.” and in the way she does she answers “Ah it is not impossible. Impossible is impossible!” and i replied of course. of course 🙂 So we kept walking up to the top of the hill to a statue overlooking the river and I climbed up on the little scaffolding to see over it and right below me on a little grass hill sits a man. And he looks like Guilleme (Gee-ohm) and I am floored. The last time I saw Guilleme was in Hampi, India where we met and we went to the river and jammed together and drank some whiskey and on the way back we had the pleasure of seeing just the eye of the crocodile before he sunk beneath the pond. Fuck.
Anyways, I yell “Guilleme!” and he turns his head and stares at me and I see the incredulity in his eyes and he turns back around and I know hes thinking “there is no fucking way.” I am also thinking “there is no fucking way” and am still not convinced that it is Guilleme. Theres just no fucking way. And I crane my head to the left to see the item next to him, thinking its a guitar…and if it is…its him. and it was. “Guilleme!” I yell as I jump down in excitement and start moving towards him and he looks again. “Is that you Guilleme? No way.” and he says “The fuck, man, how the fuck…what the…how…why…what are you doing here man!?” and I just laugh and laugh and laugh and hug him so tightly and am nearly crying so happy to see this brother of mine. We talk and talk and I introduce Bee and Guilleme and I pick up his guitar and play and Bee and Guilleme talk and laugh and Im staring at the bridge and as I am staring at it I remember Guilleme and Mel and Josh telling me about this bridge and how they just cross this bridge to see each other. And they tell me this in India. What a fucking trip man. Theres nothing else like it, Im telling you. Fuck. To Guilleme!
Now I am at Bees Parents house (Jean and Josée) and they have been wonderful! I met Jeans parents as well and also Jons brother and we had a nice gathering last night and I just feel so part of the family it is unreal. Ah life has been quite a blessing. MMMM and the FOOD! God damn Bee is a good cook and it is all organic and vegan and yummy and scrumptious and mm mm mmmmm. Fuck, guys. It is only going to get better too. How? I never know how to answer that question although that seems to be the one always asked. Faith, my Brothers and Sisters, faith.
I Love You!
P.S we are now off to the River & Sky Festival to be in the bush for the next 4 days. River & Sky is an ecologically conscious festival with folk tunes and workshops for all sorts of things. Au Revoir!
I have officially said goodbye to the hippie trap that is hampi. Haha Bobby! I found another one of your hippie traps 😉 there was a certain peace where I did not feel anything had to be done. My inner dialogue was quieted and I just felt wooooshahh. I just finished a 35 hour train ride from Guntakan to New delhi and now I am dead center in the hecticness of Delhi. Its a place most travelers say to avoid but we handled it nicely. We met the right people and got the right direction and we are en route to dharamshala tomorrow. Perhaps the Dalai Llama and I will cross paths. I do not feel as if I would have anything to say though. Haha. Perhaps I could run across him my book idea (do you remember Jibbles? 😉 ).
but ya man Hampi was beautiful… now I feel the mountains calling my name. The mountains are in my blood, man, there’s no escaping it. It will be a good finish to my journey. I decided to skip all the tourism in Rhajastan as I dont feel the need for anymore hustle and bustle or temples or camels or having color thrown on me amidst drunkards. I’m more of a go and stay then a go and go you know? And I appreciate my calm and aim to nurture it and watch it flourish. I feel the mountains will help pull even more new music out of me. Although at this point I’m a bit overwhelmed at everything thats flowing through me! This trip has been something beautiful, man. People asked me “Why are you going to India?” I always had trouble answering. My answer came up to be something along the lines of “When I go I will find something that is missing from me although I wont realize I have found it until after I left.” What I’ve realized through my travels and personal reflection of being here is that I already had everything I needed. I already am everything I need to be (thank you Chiqui <3) I don’t need anything special or a special experience to grow more exponentially than this. These realizations are a dime a dozen on a warriors quest for freedom and rarely remembered so it matters not. I believe that is what she was trying to say. I am present. The way things work is way too incredible. I’ve cleared most all distractions of my life and many have cleared themselves for me. I have clear purpose and strong intent and proper motivs and the energy of a child and gaining knowledge at an incredible rate. I will admit I am excited for the few months I will be spending in America. I do not feel entrapped to “Boise” any longer. I feel the ability to utilize America for what it is to me, a money game, and I have my key to the world to go to where I need to be to fulfill what I believe needs to be done. I have a call to herbalism as I’ve had for four years particularly through the medicinal plants of the shamans. I couldn’t understand why I had been dying to go to Peru for 4 years and now that I leave I come to india. I had nothing here I really wanted to see. I wasn’t even excited to come! But nobody comes to India for their first travel and through doing that I have met many weathered travelers and I now have all the resources I need to go the direction I want and I feel empowered to be able to achieve every goal I have. It’s like coming to India I have jumped through a portal and skipped years of work and aimless wandering. “Not all who wander are lost….but I was. And some still are. And that’s ok.” My purpose and goals are clear. I wouldn’t call them desires. I desire to sit in one spot and play guitar forever. that is the truth, but that is selfish. I must do something in this world more than that. Some may ask why? I do not know, I believe there is an exchange required for your desires. I believe I need land of my own to be able to create a community that is strong in the things I believe need to have more presence in this world, my green bubble. Natural farming to heal our earth, yoga, meditation, medicinal herbalism, physical growth, mental and spiritual growth, strong sense of community and art and music, man. Abundance! What do you desire to acquire? It is what comes to me when I empty my mind. It repeats itself over and over and over. I see myself adorned in feathers and beads in a jungle working in a bowl with plants of medicinal properties. Some call this fantasy, I name it calling. And so that will be my very next steps after India…for now I will sit in the mountains and play guitar. But as always that time will end. And I am prepared for that. I have developed a plan and am operating on that plan. My aura of manifestation has grown large. There’s a certain utilization of time where you can and will create your future if you know what you’re end point is. As I continue to reverse engineer from my 5 year point I see things getting stronger day to day. As I tell people what I am doing I see the belief in their eyes reflecting back at me. Some even comment on it. I wait as the rest of the world manifests my dreams. Ill end with a quote from Will Smith:
“Once I’ve decided it, it’s done. That’s it. No question. Now I’m just waitin for the rest of ya’ll to catch up.”